Lisa Hood

 It seems that no matter how focused I am on improving my life, I take 2 steps forward and then 1 step back. 

Lately I’ve been going in the wrong direction.  I feel over whelmed with things to do so I avoid confronting them by watching TV or reading. I have a gazillion articles to write, home projects, photos to sort and scan, walks to take, things to learn, books to write - and yet, I spend my weekends watching movies.  This weekend was particularly bad because I didn’t eat well either.

I don’t want to say “I went off my diet” because I’m not on a diet.  I’ve just been eating better, healthier foods, slowly and consistently.  Plus A & I have started walking in the evening. We had a big scare last week. A was working on the pool and got over heated and light headed. The dizziness lasted for a couple of days and we were afraid he had a mild heart attack or stroke. He went to an internist this week and everything is fine, but it was a wake up call for both of us. 

K and I had this conversation a few weeks ago.  One of her teachers told her people are incapable of change. So she took that to mean that since she’s gotten poor grades in the past, she’s incapable of doing better.  I don’t believe that for a second.  I told her our habits are like ruts in the road.  If we try to avoid the ruts, we have to hold on tight to the steering wheel; otherwise we just veer right back into the well worn groove.  New habits require attention and energy until a new groove is formed. Even though I know this, it’s still discouraging when I feel myself slipping back into my ruts. 

Another thing that discourages me is knowing that no matter what I do, or how far I go in life, there will always be more to do, to learn, to improve.  Some people question the meaning of life, but I KNOW the meaning.  It is to constantly grow.  Life without growth, without dissatisfaction and longing, without struggle and victory is death.  This is when people get in trouble, seeking answers in a bottle of booze or pills, or even food.  Without meaning our actions have no consequence.

We create our lives every day. No day is dispensable, no effort is in vain.  Even when we don’t see immediate or expected results, we are carving a new path, reinforcing new habits and growing as a human being.  I must remember this truth.

Another reason for my malease is certain circumstances in my home that frustrate me.  I feel powerless to change things and assume a victim mentality.  I know that everything in my life is there because I allow it.  If I accept it, I own it, good or bad. However, I feel resentful and unhappy with A & K’s ongoing, strained relationship, the mess, the unfinished projects, our financial situation, the sense of entitlement from the kids and constant bickering between K & T.  I do have to say we’ve had a couple of very nice family outings which have shown me it is possible for us to enjoy each others’ company.  However, day to day there is still negative interactions and disrespect. This is not how I want my home to be.  Some days I don’t even want to be there. Many days I think “Just two more years” How sad to wish away time with my children.  Because I know when the time comes, I’ll wish to have them back.