Lisa Hood

I’ve really been feeling down lately. I’ve been sleeping a lot more and withdrawing, especially from A.  I even went to the Dr to have all my blood work done, in case my thyroid was wacky, but its fine.  I don’t want to change my depression medication because the transition is so hard and hit or miss.  I’ve been on antidepressants for 10 yrs and I know how I feel when I’m off of them.  I don’t really talk to anybody about how bad it gets, because I don’t have the energy to make someone else understand my feelings.  When I’m off medication, I have no desire to live.  I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t want to get out of bed and face life. I don’t feel like I have any purpose or value.  Every day feels like an eternity.

I’m not at that point today, but I am overwhelmed so I’m shutting down.  I feel insecure @ work, not sure if I’m doing what I should be doing and not getting any direction to feel successful. Home isn’t a place where I feel good because it’s so disrupted. We’ve been under construction for 9 months, with half the house and yard torn up.  A has not been present around the house, because when he is home, he’s on the computer all the time.  So we’re not interacting at all.   I don’t like it when I feel out of control and I don’t feel in control of any thing right now.

I’m gaining weight, overeating every day, procrastinating on things I need to do for work and paying bills.  I HATE having 4 dogs, even though I love them all, I can’t stand the mess and constant damage being done to our home. They bark in the middle of the night, interrupting our sleep and disrupting the neighbors. I need to get control back in my life and that means not waiting for Alan to do what needs to be done, but taking care of it myself.

I need to talk honestly to A too.  It’s not ok that he’s isolating himself in the office and I’m isolating myself upstairs.  I don’t blame him because I think I start the cycle, but we both keep it going.  I need him to be there for me 100%, to step up and make our daily living situation better, to follow through when he says he’ll do something. But at the same time, I need to be there for him, to spend time with him being really present instead of just escaping to read or watch TV and I need to take my fair share of the responsibility for our situation.