Lisa Hood

I am having the hardest time dealing w/ my guilt over Kelsey’s weight. I feel like it’s my fault she is in the position she’s in, although I know I’m powerless to change her behaviors or attitudes. She’s old enough now to make her own choices and to live with the consequences. But I know I could have done better when she was younger, when it was still up to me to make those choices for her. Somehow it doesn’t matter that I was struggling at the same time, with depression, illness, stress, fatigue, just being human. Yesterday she asked me how I felt since gaining back 30+ lbs that I lost.

Obviously, I’m annoyed w/ myself for slacking off to the point of gaining the weight, but I’m also happy that I’m getting back on track before I’m worse off. I don’t feel good at this weight, my clothes are too tight, I’m uncomfortable and I don’t feel good about myself. Which shows in how I present myself and the care I take (or lack thereof) in my personal appearance. When I feel good, I like to dress up, fix my hair, and wear makeup and jewelry. When I don’t feel good about myself, I just don’t care about that stuff.

So back to our conversation…I can tell she’s afraid of getting her hopes up. She’s afraid of failure - she loses weight and then gains it back. But I think she’s more afraid of success - she loses weight and she doesn’t have that as an excuse anymore, because being fat is her excuse for being unhappy, lonely, angry, all her emotions. In fact, all her emotions are why she’s fat not the other way around. But until she’s willing to accept some accountability for her behavior, including the consequences (like not having friends) she won’t be ready to deal with the weight.

I just don’t understand why my kid, my perfect beautiful baby is such a troubled person. While it hasn’t been perfect, she hasn’t had a terrible life (despite what she thinks most days). She’s been fairly blessed to have a family that loves her, a nice home, nice clothes, stability and safety. Alan and I have made mistakes, but we have provided the basic needs to our children and hopefully a little more then just the basics. I just hope that all these struggles make her a strong, healthy, happy, successful adult. I have to believe there’s a reason for her to face these challenges.